Letting Go

Just at the point when I started to feel better after my breast cancer treatment, I became aware of incredible tension in my shoulders. It’s been six months since my last cancer treatment, and I’m feeling pretty strong, but this next challenge arrived when I thought I could finally relax.  The sensation is something like the image from the film Black Swan when the feathers are trying to break out from under the skin on her back.  As a metaphor it’s pretty powerful  – renaissance, phoenix rising, letting go – and that’s how I try to think about it.  The reality is pretty uncomfortable as it’s hard to sleep at night when every turn is painful.

Breast cancer is no longer in my thoughts and discourse all day, but there is always a residual fear that the cancer will come back.  I am no longer ‘carefree’ – I am monitoring my health like a hawk with the added stress that this mysterious illness can be silent.  The tension has manifested itself in my shoulders, like a soldier after the war has finished but still in fight or flight mode.

woman in beige dress stretching her hands
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The upper back and shoulders is a classic area for people to hold on to tension and stressful thoughts.  I could hardly move in bed because of the tightness.  I craved to be massaged.  I also knew I needed to cry.  I was crying over small things – watching the news, listening to a song, imagining the pain of others, but it wasn’t enough. My theory is that once I release this tension through crying, I will be bien dans ma peau (comfortable in my skin) again.

I looked for sad films, but my tears would only last for a short period of time and the tears never felt powerful enough.  Then I remembered a mantra given to me by my friend Robin, which is also called The Crying Prayer – Vajrasattva.  Every time I listened to this, particularly the version I would burst into tears.  I have also been doing Yoga with Adriene – a series of yoga programmes which are seemingly guaranteed to make me cry.  She has specific routines for upper back and shoulder tension, which are fantastic.  I also have a physiotherapist who massages this area too.

What’s happening in my upper body is a physical manifestation of the psychological tension I have felt throughout this process.  I’m hoping that as my body heals, my mind does too.  I keep thinking of those feathers trying to burst out of my back…..wish me luck.

Animal Magic

If you’re a dog owner, you’ll know that their particular needs and wants usually come up high on the list of house priorities.  This is even more true of terriers, a breed which is generally pretty independent and not a ‘human pleaser’.  They’re much more concerned about, in no particular order, walks, food, and playing.  Then something happens when you’re ill, your feisty little dog becomes the perfect companion.  It happened almost straight away.  I’m not sure whether he could smell the cancer – certain breeds can do this – but they definitely know that you need their support.IMG_1586For almost a whole year, my dog Sammy followed me around everywhere, he lay on the rug next to my bed, sat next to me on the sofa, and generally behaved as if his most important job was to comfort me and help me get better. I will never look at him in the same way again, and every time he is naughty I remember his incredible kindness, and generally forgive him everything!

The cat didn’t fare quite so well.  Just before my diagnosis his skin started to get really bad.  Endless trips to the vet didn’t resolve the issue.  In my darkest hours, he started to look even worse – scaly skin with open sores and threadbare fur.  He almost became a physical representation of what was going on inside my body.   When my friend Christine came round – a Fire Prayer healer (see previous blog) – she explained that the cat was absorbing my illness to help me, and would get better once I started to get better.  She placed her hands on the cat to try and relieve its skin discomfort.

It’s been a year now since the beginning of my breast cancer treatment, and six months since it finished, and the cat is now looking like a normal cat again – he’s regained his weight and his fur is looking shiny and healthy again.  Did it absorb my illness?  If he did, I am so grateful to him.  He had just been an outdoors cat who had arrived in our garden looking for a home – given his selfless acts, he now has special status in the house!

Never underestimate the intelligence and sensitivity of your furry friends!

 

Banishing Evil Spirits

There are lots of healers in South West France – it’s very rural and the traditional methods of healing are still very present.  My neighbour Evelyn who has had terrible back problems had seen a healer in a nearby village, and the results had been pretty miraculous.  I had a lot of tension in my upper back following  my treatment, so I thought why not.  But rather than a quick back rub, I ended up receiving what was akin to a full-on exorcism.

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The healer lived in a farm house down a small back lane.  When I arrived on a swelteringly hot August day, the men of the house were all taking their post lunch nap before going out into the fields again.  I was welcomed into the house by the old lady and invited to sit down at a large table.  I explained that I had had breast cancer, and I was concerned it would come back, plus I had lots of tension in my upper back.  She picked up a pendulum lying on the table, blew on it, and then held it over my breast area.  The pendulum began to move, and she announced everything was clear.  She then stood behind me as I sat on the chair and began to massage my neck and shoulders for a few minutes.  There was a silence and I wondered if it was all over.  I hadn’t really felt anything, and was mentally preparing to leave.  At that moment, as if she could read my thoughts she said: it’s not over yet.  She picked up her crucifix and stood behind me as I sat on the chair.

Our well diviner (see previous blog) had already explained to me that my cancer was most likely due to geopathic stress (our bed was in the wrong position), or that bad spirits were attached to me, so as I’d already dealt with the energy lines in the house I guess I needed to cover all my bases to make sure there wasn’t anything evil attached to my body.  The healer proceeded to say a prayer over me, and asked me to take her hand and walk back and forth across the room in the holy spirit.  What was remarkable was when I did this there was a cool breeze even though it was baking hot outside with zero wind.  She then asked me to sit back down and called out for the cancer to be gone, and for any evil spirits to leave my body.  This went on for around fifteen minutes with the crucifix at my chest. There were no dramatic moments, but I did feel perfectly safe, and was grateful for any help she had given me.

Following on from this, she then asked if my breast area was still hot from the radiation. Had I received the Fire Prayer?  I explained that I had, but she told me it hadn’t been done properly.  She then held her hand just above the breast area, and recounted a prayer over and over.  Occasionally she would make a sharp movement with her hand as if she was shaking something off.

I spent almost two hours with the lady.  She told me to come back if I needed some more help, but that I was perfectly fine.  The only thing she did suggest was to take Propolis a by-product from bees with healing properties.  She wrote the name of a farmer who lived in a village not far from me, but would only pick up the phone at 6pm when he’d finished on the farm.  At the top of the note it said ‘Tell him Delphine sent you“.

Bath Time

If you have a bath, the chances are you don’t use it very much.  Most of us are in a hurry and so jumping in the shower seems much more efficient.  But going through cancer treatment is a time when you need to focus on your wellbeing 100 percent.  Before the chemo started I wanted to be able to use the bath as a refuge, somewhere to relax and unwind – something which I’d forgotten how to do.  Bathing in the water is really good for the body and the mind – I needed its restorative powers as I went through what was going to be a really challenging time.

pexels-photo-105934.jpegI knew I was going to have zero energy after my chemo started, so I made sure I cleaned the bathroom, and set it up as a little bathing retreat.  My friend Clare bought me a little headrest pillow, I got the tap fixed (the thermostat had been broken for about four years) and I made sure the fluffiest towels were at my disposal.

The bath become a place to relax after each hospital visit to literally clean out the toxins mentally and physically.  Before getting into the bath, I would use a dry skin brush on my body, to help flush out the nasty chemicals and to improve my skin.

When you have a cancer diagnosis you need to be very careful about which bathing products you use, as you don’t want anything which contains harmful chemicals.  I used natural soap to clean my face, and that was it – skin has a tendency to dry with chemo, so it’s best to guard whatever natural skin oils you have, not strip them away.  I used to put Epsom Salts in the bath, which are are great detoxifier help after each chemo session to flush out the chemicals in my body.  Epsom Salts are from England, but any natural bathing salts will probably have the same effect.  They also have the added benefit of softening your skin – as the chemo progressed, I had an itchy rash on my head, where the  hair had fallen out, and also on my body, particularly on my arms.  Before cancer, I would regularly put moisturiser on my body after having a bath, but during the treatment I wanted to keep all my pores open without any blockages, so using these salts really helped to keep my skin soft.

I also put a little Bluetooth speaker in my bathroom to listen to music and guided meditations.  Spotify have lots of meditations, including Deepak Chopra’s. They help you to relax, think more positively, and help with sleeping, which was becoming a real problem for me.  Part of the meditation also includes breathing exercises, so you’re really oxygenating your body too which helps with the healing process.

This is just a little something to help to get you through a really awful process.  I’d forgotten to take care of myself, and the simple pleasure of lying in a bath really helps you to relax, and also clean you out your mind, body and soul.

Regime Change

One of the first changes I made after discovering I had breast cancer was to my diet.  At first I was blown away with the amount of information, not just on the internet, but in well-intended emails which arrived in my inbox.  If I only ate more celery, carrots, flax seed, avocados, broccoli…..the list went on….I would be cured.  I probably would have done the same thing had it been a friend of mine, thinking I was helping, but I actually had to tell people to stop.  I was so stressed by the whole diagnosis, trying to get my head around what was about to happen, I couldn’t cope with the ‘quick fix’ solutions which were being offered.

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I wanted my liver to be in good shape, in preparation for all the toxins which were about to be put into my body – general anaesthetic, chemo and radiotherapy.  I thought I ate pretty well, but everything I read stressed the importance of cutting out dairy, sugar, meat and alcohol.  At the beginning I think I went a bit overboard.  I even tried only eating alkaline foods – the theory is, cancer cannot survive in an alkaline-only environment – but saying no to fresh in-season organic tomatoes seemed crazy.

I lost weight very quickly, but the nurses at the hospital stressed the importance of having some protein to keep me strong in terms of energy and in building muscle mass.  In the end, after a slightly extreme beginning, I made a no sugar, dairy, meat and alcohol rule in the house but I could eat anything (within reason) out of the house.  My daily diet usually included porridge (with lots of seeds, nuts and fruit) in the morning, and then vegetable soup for lunch, then something with beans or pulses for dinner. The other thing which happens of course with chemotherapy was my appetite was pretty low, but I would make an effort to eat regular small meals to keep my strength up.

According to my friend Andrea, an expert in Chinese medicine and healing foods, chemotherapy makes the body cold, so you should only hot foods.  Conversely, radiotherapy heats up the body, so it’s important to eat cold or cooling foods, to create balance in the body.  This is one rule I stuck to throughout the treatment.

There is tons of advice out there about miracle cures, as well as the properties of various foods, but I found it too difficult to make extreme changes to my diet – mainly I just didn’t have the head space for it.  For me, cutting out meat, sugar, dairy and alcohol made it much easier on my liver to process all the other toxins my body it was having to deal with.  I drank loads  of water too, of course, and following the hot/cold rule made a lot of sense.

On a final note, I find it interesting that French hospitals take nutrition very seriously, whereas friends of mine in the UK had no nutritional advice – quite the opposite – the rule was, ‘carry on as normal’.  More worryingly, a friend’s mother in the US was told that she should absolutely not make changes to her diet during her treatment.  It’s almost as if the Anglo-American conventional medical culture is positively hostile to any form of natural healing.

 

 

Magnetic Energy

When something bad happens in your life, sometimes strange coincidences start to happen, it’s as if the universe kicks in to support you.  One of the odd things that happened to me (amongst the many) was the work of a diviner who had previously tested for water in our well.  We hadn’t seen him for at least five years, when my husband had called him on behalf of our neighbour to find the location of the underground water pipes in his old house.   My husband mentioned that I had cancer, and he  immediately asked for my full name as he was part of a healing group, he could heal remotely.  He added that the reason for cancer is usually geopathic stress (negative energy lines in the earth), or bad spirits attaching themselves to the body.  In my case it was geopathic stress (thankfully), and apparently our bed was in the wrong place.  We had to move it, and call him to check it was in the right place.  But how would he know?  Well with remote viewing of course…

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So we moved the bed.  The large kingsize bed was now squeezed into the corner of the bedroom.  I was in the middle of my chemotherapy, so it wasn’t very convenient to say the least.  We both climbed over each other in the middle of the night, hoping that this was not going to be a long term solution to our problem.  We duly called the diviner three days later and he confirmed the bed was in a healthy place.  He would come round to fix our energy problem in the next few days.

Sometime later, the diviner arrived with a pendulum, several charts, and a baton of crushed scallop shells.  He confirmed that the section of the bedroom I had been sleeping in was the cause of the cancer, as the pendulum swung like crazy over one of his charts.  He was going to redirect the negative energy out of the house, into the garden area, and then neutralise the bad energy by burying the crushed scallop shells in a particular spot in the garden.  He then went from room to room, checking the energy, the fridge, our mobile phones, the electricity meter and the water supply.  Everything was neutralised with special symbols, incantations and shells positioned in various places!

seashells in a bag
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Has it made a difference?  Well the idea of bad energy doesn’t surprise me – I can often get that feeling when entering a house whether it has a good or bad vibe.  Did it cause my cancer?  It may have contributed, but I think it’s a whole collection of things which I am now addressing.  Do I believe in prayer?  Yes I do, and I am grateful for any help I have in this corner of rural France.  The fact that this man is in a healing group, and will come all the way to our house to try and help us really restores my faith in humanity and that’s a great thing.

 

 

Shamanic Journey

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer I remember speaking to a friend of my husband’s who had been treated by a shaman, and successfully cured from cancer.  The process was long and intense, and required focussed dedication from both parties.  His description of his journey fitted my image of shamanic healing – hard work, and essentially stripping back the person to his or her soul level.  I was intrigued, but couldn’t imagine how I could experience this type of healing in my current state whilst going through a pretty gruesome treatment.

rainforest during foggy dayMy friend Vicky had mentioned someone called Papa Shaman who lived in South West France.  I’d always imagined shamans living in the South American rainforest, not in the suburban edge of Biarritz.  I looked on the website www.papashaman.fr and saw that he was having a healing ritual in the evening – like a shamanic taster – it seemed too easy, but I was intrigued all the same.

So one evening I dragged my poor husband along with me, and entered into the world of shamanism.  We both arrived in bad moods, having struggled to find the venue, and we were both cynical to say the least.  People were sitting around in a circle on their mats, waiting for Papa Shaman to arrive.  I remember feeling quite irritated, as it all seemed so flaky, and I was conscious that my husband would probably hate it.  Papa Shaman arrived – a gentle and earnest person, who explained that we were in this healing experience together, so not to judge people – could he read my mind!  But something remarkable happened, as people began to speak about why they were there, I began to soften and feel empathy rather than irritation.

The ceremony itself involved everyone lying down on their mats in a circle, whilst Papa Shaman moved into a trance-like state with the use of a large drum.  He then instinctively moved around the group, whispering incantations, and laying hands near the areas of the body which needed to be healed, and around the head.  It was an incredible experience, and the hour and a half we lay in the dark, felt more like ten minutes.   When he mumbled prayers, or their equivalent, it really did sound like something you would hear in the jungle or a rainforest.  I would sporadically feel a cool breeze on my face, or on parts of my body, and he instinctively knew where I had had the operation, without me saying anything.

When it was all over, he told each of us what he had seen through a series of visions, and also gave us advice on what we should do.  Plus at the end of our mats we received a stone which he said was precious and we should keep with us at all times.  The lady next to me actually started crying, because she could feel my pain, which really touched me and made me realise how cynical I had been.  Apparently Papa Shaman had also spent a considerable amount of time lifting out a concrete block from my husband’s chest – that didn’t surprise me – he has a tendency to hold onto his emotions.

So we both left feeling lighter and better – it’s difficult to explain why or how, but something profound did happen, and I felt Papa Shaman was always completely genuine, and the effort he put into the group’s healing that evening was really exceptional.  It felt like the right thing to do.